SEMPER PARATUS

(OR.....FIRESTONE WE HAVE IGNITION

......WE HAVE LIFTOFF....GOD SPEED LT)

BY CLAUDE ANDERSON

IN READING ALL THE LITTLE STORIES AND ANTIDOTES I NOTICED THAT ALMOST ALL OF THEM CONTAIN SOME HUMOR OR JOKEING INVOLVING EITHER THE DEPUTIES OR SOME SITUATION. IT SEEMS THAT MOST OF US WERE BLESSED WITH A CERTAIN SENSE OF HUMOR THAT SAW US THROUGH THE STRESSFULL SITUATIONS THAT WORKING FIRESTONE THREW AT US.

I WAS AT A POINT THAT I PULLED DUTIES AS VACATION RELIEF FOR THE THREE COURT DEPUTIES AND TOOK OVER AS UTILITY DEPUTY FOR A SIX MONTH PERIOD.

I HAD THE HONOR TO WORK SIDE BY SIDE WITH A GREAT CORRECTION OFFICER NAMED "OSCAR DIEL"

OSCAR RETIRED AS A CHIEF FROM THE U.S. COAST GUARD AND ASSISTED ME IN KEEPING THE RADIO CARS IN WORKING ORDER AND SUPERVISING THE TWELVE TRUSTIES WHO WASHED THE VEHICLES, CHANGED THE TIRES AND KEPT THEM GASSED UP.

OSCAR ALWAYS HAD A GRIN FROM EAR TO EAR AND WAS ALWAYS THERE TO ASSIST ANYBODY FROM TRAINEE TO UNDERSHERIFF.

I DON'T REMEMBER HIM EVER BEING LATE FOR WORK OR EVEN TAKING A DAY OFF. OSCAR WAS ONE DEDICATED OFFICER.

HOWEVER, OSCAR COULD NOT ACCEPT STUPID ORDERS OR BEING TOLD THINGS HE KNEW WERE WRONG. HE WOULD NOT SAY ANYTHING, JUST GET RED IN THE FACE AND APPEAR LIKE THE STEAM WHISTLE ON HIS COAST GUARD CUTTER...READY TO BLOW.

ONE DAY HE AND I WERE GOING CRAZY TRYING TO FIELD ENOUGH UNITS FOR THE EVENING SHIFT AS SEVERAL DAY CREWS HAD ENGINE TROUBLE AND THE UNITS WERE KAPUT. THAT AFTERNOON I WAS CALLED TO PICK UP A BRAND NEW UNIT (1969 Plymouth) AT THE SHOP DOWNTOWN.

WHEN I ARRIVED BACK AT THE STATION WITH IT, I WAS MET BY THE WATCH COMMANDER (LT LeBERTHON) WHO TOOK THE CAR KEYS FROM ME AND SAID THAT NOBODY WAS GOING TO DRIVE THIS CAR BUT HIM, HE WAS GETTING READY TO GO OUT IN THE FIELD AND CHECK ON THE TROOPS. FAR BEING FOR ME TO SAY ANYTHING..I COULD CARE LESS. BUT THIS SET OFF OSCAR NO END. OUR 10S THAT NIGHT WAS SGT. PETRY AND HE WAS GIVEN OUR "WRECK OF THE WEEK" TO DRIVE. WE OFTEN DID THIS, NOT THAT WE HAD ANYTHING AGAINST THE SAM UNITS, BUT THEY USUALLY DON'T GO CODE THREE AND SPEEDING IS RARE. OSCAR HAD TOLD THE SGT. "DON'T GO OVER 40, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TURNING OFF THE ENGINE AND ONE LOLLYPOP RED LIGHT WAS OUT ON THE ROOF AND A TRUSTY WAS TRYING TO FIND A REPLACEMENT BULB." THE MORE OSCAR THOUGHT ABOUT THIS NEW RADIO CAR SITTING THERE HE GOT MADDER. FINALLY HE SAID, THIS DOES IT! HE WENT TO THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR AND CAME BACK WITH A BRIGHT YELLOW CYLINDER. PICTURE THIS...6 INCHES LONG, 1 1/2 INCHES IN DIAMETER WITH A SIX INCH BARE WIRE COMING OUT OF EACH END. THE OBJECT WAS COVERED WITH "CHINESE CHARACTERS" AND COVERED WITH A LIGHT COATING OF WAX. OSCAR RAISED THE HOOD OF THE NEW UNIT AND ATTACHED THE BARE WIRES TO TWO SPARK PLUGS. (I NEVER INTERFERE IN WHAT LOOKED LIKE SOME TYPE OF SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT) JUST THEN, SGT PAUL WEBER WHO WAS OUR ADMINISTRATION OFFICER CAME OUT TO FIND OUT WHY WE WERE SHORT VEHICLES FOR THE EVENING SHIFT AND WHY ISN'T THIS NEW UNIT IN SERVICE? WE TOLD HIM IT WAS UNDER THE LT'S ORDERS. WE SWEATED THIS OUT AS WE COULD NOT LET HIM MOVED THE UNIT...FORTUNATELY HE HAD NO KEYS.

FINALLY THE LT CAME OUT (WE'RE WATCHING FROM THE GARAGE OFFICE) AS HE TURNED THE KEY I WAS EXPECTING A TERRIFIC EXPLOSION....SOMETHING LIKE THE VOLCANO "KRAKATAU" WHEN IT ERUPTED IN THE JAVA SEA IN 1883. NOT SO, HAVE YOU EVER CHASED A BURGLAR RUNNING ON A ROOF TOP AND HE SLIPPED AND FELL OFF? THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE, A LOW "WHRUMP" THEN CAME THE SMOKE, SO THICK AND PURE WHITE THAT IF WE HAD A SPACE STATION IN THOSE DAY'S YOU COULD VIEW IT FROM OUTER SPACE. IT COVERED THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT AND VISABILITY WAS ZERO. ALSO, THERE WAS A HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE THAT LASTED FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS.

AT THE FIRST SOUND, THE LT. DID A TUCK AND ROLL SUMMERSAULT, FLYING OUT OF THE DIVERS SIDE AND HITTING THE PARKING LOT RUNNING...RIGHT INTO THE STATION! THE DETECTIVES FROM THE BACK ROOM CAME OUT AND IMMEDIATELY KNEW WHAT HAPPENED. SGT WEBER CAME OUT AND OSCAR TOLD HIM IT'S A "MANIFOLD PROBLEM" AND HE'LL HAVE A TRUSTY FIX IT. SGT WEBER SAID NOTHING, JUST TURNED AND WALKED BACK INSIDE THE STATION. THE SMOKE CLEARED IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES AND IN LOOKING UNDER THE HOOD, NO EVIDENCE OF THE CYLINDER COULD BE FOUND. THE LT. LEFT THE KEYS IN THE CAR AND OSCAR DROVE IT OVER TO THE GAS PUMPS THEN CALLED SGT PETRY TO 10-19. OSCAR TOLD HIM TO TEST DRIVE THIS NEW VEHICLE-JUST IN CASE THE "MANIFOLD" PROBLEM WAS NOT FIXED! (HA!) WE NEVER HEARD A WORD FROM THE LT AND SGT WEBER KEPT A CLOSED MOUTH ABOUT THE INCIDENT. THIS UNIT BECAME A "SAM UNIT" UNTIL WE BEGAN GETTING MORE NEW CARS. AS FAR AS THE LT'S SUMMERSAULT AND TUCK AND ROLL..IN OLYMPIC SCORING I WOULD HAVE GIVEN HIM A "9". I SALUTED OUR COAST GUARD CHIEF-WHO ONCE AGAIN HAD THAT WIDE GRIN.

...SEMPER PARATUS FOREVER!